I’ve lived in the same place my entire life. Twenty-three years spent within a fifty mile radius, surrounded by the same people, the same stores, the same drives, the same everything. I fell in love with places; I never wanted to leave them. I fell in love with the spot on Sunset State Beach that I’ve shared with my closest friends, the spot that I want to share with others. There’s the bar that serves the cheapest Jameson in town, where my high school history teacher served me one a little stronger than usual. I fell in love with the quiet that came with a small town, the tall grass and even taller trees that surround my house. I fell in love with the city, how bright the lights shone in the distance, how small I felt when I took them in at the top of AT&T Park.
I loved all of California, even the places I hadn’t been. This place is perfect, and beautiful, and it will forever be my home. I could never forget a place like this, or abandon it.
That said, there comes a time for change. A time you step back from the path you are on, and question whether or not it is the one you want to be on. This happened to me, and I realized that it isn’t. I’m living in a very negative environment, and even though there are a lot of positive things in my life, they do not compensate for what I’ve been dealing with.
I am fortunate enough to have some amazing fucking friends that are willing to help me out. I feel like they are really defining the word for me, because these people are offering a lot just to lead me on a different path.
In the process of deciding of whether or not I’ve been on the right path, I’ve fallen in love with someone more than I ever thought was possible. I never knew that I would love a person more than I love the way a cool ocean breeze gives me goose bumps up my spine. He appeared in my life and I honestly feel as though he and I are meant to be together, and that nothing will ever stop us from being together.
So this move is just a step forward in my life, and although it is not a step being with him right now (I wish), it is a giant step on the right path. It is a path full of lively mornings of cuddling, laughter, a path full of completeness found in another human being.
Since I’ve decided that this move is happening, (I bought my plane ticket yesterday,) I’ve been looking at things a lot differently. I see the beach I’ve spent many mornings, afternoons and evenings on, and I see all of the things I’ve left behind there. I spent a day in Santa Cruz, my favorite city in the world, and got the tattoo that I’ve known I’ve wanted for quite awhile. Sitting on my friend’s boat I realized that this day would most likely be my last in my favorite place.
These things hit me, and although they are tough to comprehend, I shake the grip they have on my heart. Some things have been harder to shake, their grip much tighter than others. I sigh and smile and know that even though I am leaving, they will always be here. I’ve also come to realize that there are things, and people, that are going to be harder to shake. Even though that is difficult to deal with, it is worth it. The people who matter will still hold on long after I’ve stopped shaking.
In two weeks I’m going to walk out of the house I grew up in for quite possibly the very last time. I’m going to load my bags into my friend’s car and pull out of the small town I love. I’ll pass my old job, the places I’ve memorized. I’ll ride pass the people I should have spent more time with, and my heart will ache. I will feel it all fall away from me, and for the first time in twenty-three years I’ll be doing something for someone who needs it: myself.